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Lonelier Now

by Rachel Ziolkowski

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1.
Porters 03:05
When will I find some place I can rest my heart Where the porter doesn't tear himself apart? I'm cleaning wounds; you repress. Count your blessings; hold your breath. I'm not unfamiliar with this path you trod. I have seen the signs, and I still find it odd. Gather dry brush, light the fire. I wait below, so you climb higher. When will I find some place I can rest my heart Where the porter doesn't tear himself apart? I'm not unfamiliar with this path you trod. I have seen the signs, and I still find it odd. Convince yourself that you feel fine. Better, by far, than being mine. When will I find some place I can rest my heart Where the porter doesn't tear himself apart? I'm not unfamiliar with this path you trod. I have seen the signs, and I still find it odd.
2.
Evelyn 02:43
Two weeks after Easter, the city shut down. Evelyn rolled in, covered the town in white, Not a spring-like sight. I know I'm getting older, the words are, too. It doesn't feel different just farther, farther from you, And me, what do you think? I'm still stitching together a gift for the wedding I'm not invited to, I'm not attending. Same time next year, you'll find me here Again. I hear that life's a circle, and nothing's ever done; You only move more slowly the faster you run away. Everything comes back someday. 'Cause seven years ago it snowed in April, Prompted you to write my favorite song. We both knew it was about me, But you let me sing along. Lately, I've been wondering if you still think of me. I wish we weren't a circle, but a better ending story.
3.
Letter 02:22
I wanna write a letter, but I don't know if you like to read. I wanna tell you what I think, but you might make me bleed. I want to forget you. On second thought, that's a lie. I want you to see my face when you close your eyes. I've got two feet in this Midwestern soil, But, oh, this humid air makes my blood boil. I've got a secret picture: you're smiling at me, Twiddling your fingertips, but your eyes were all I could see. I've got two feet in this Midwestern soil, But, oh, this humid air makes my blood boil. You're trotting the globe; I'm standing still, But oh, my dear, I'd chase the skies for you.
4.
Little Lady 03:11
She can't recall the old hymn's words, But she's still gonna hum the melody. My favorite is the one she played When no one else was home but me. This little lady used to rock me in her arms, And never once did she forget to pray. Everything that scared me didn't matter so much anyway. She rocked me in her arms, and I was safe. How she loved to cook and bake Long-since memorized family recipes. I always thought we'd have more time; Now it's too late, she can't teach me. This little lady used to rock me in her arms, And never once did she forget to pray. Everything that scared me didn't matter so much anyway. She rocked me in her arms, and I was safe. She breathed other people's smoke all her life, And now her lungs won't work right. Her first baby's heart gave out at six months old, And now her own is letting go. I know it's not too far off now: One day I'll go to her, and she won't know me. I'll answer to whatever name She digs up from her changing mem'ry. This little lady used to rock me in her arms, And never once did she forget to pray. Everything that scared me didn't matter so much anyway. She rocked me in her arms, and I was safe.
5.
Young 04:28
I'm not young anymore. I've returned from the badlands to settle this score. I'm not young anymore. My hair's turning grey. I took all my feelings and pushed them away. My hair's turning grey. Ocean tides and brief good-byes, and I'm gone. Battle scars and broke-down cars, you were wrong. I'm not brave anymore. I've taken to hiding my face from the storm. I'm not brave anymore. And I'm lonelier now. I've stopped pretending I'll get you somehow. I'm lonelier now. Ocean tides and brief good-byes, and I'm gone. Battle scars and broke-down cars, you were wrong. I let you leave me with a pessimist's eyes, Choosing disappointment before I can be surprised. I see a million way he could make me die. Chasing shadows to the gallows, we fly. I'm not green anymore. The bruises, they faded, and bandages tore. I'm not green anymore. But I've still got some faith. Life isn't real if you haven't had pain. I've still got some faith. It'll all be okay.

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released January 11, 2021

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Rachel Ziolkowski Wisconsin

Rachel is a singer-songwriter, composer, and music educator in Wisconsin.

Her free time is often spent knitting or doing calligraphy.

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